Being so focused on the here and now is a double edge sword. You can’t be so consumed with this present moment that you lose sight of eternity, but you can’t be so focused on the future that you miss what’s right in front of you. Something I struggle with is being a planner. I want to know what’s coming. Maybe we all do to a certain extent because there’s comfort in preparation. But God is showing me just how much this walk with Him is a moment by moment thing. My life keeps changing faster and faster and I feel like I have less and less control with more and more responsibility. Ministry is a lifestyle and it touches every piece of anything you hold dear and even that you don’t. And prayer time in the morning with daily scripture reading just doesn’t cut it. I need constant communication. A constant source to pour into me as I am pouring out. I’m beginning to believe that morning quiet time really doesn’t cut it for any of us who truly want to live supernatural lives. To live supernaturally, we must constantly be in communication with God. In every moment and every situation, we must be desperate for Jesus.
In regards to planning and wanting to know what’s next, I think maybe what’s hardest is letting go. Letting go not only of what I have, but everything I hope to have. It’s so hard for me to remember that it’s an exchange, that I’ll be getting His best in return. And I’m not quite sure why I in my humanness don’t trust Him enough to let go of what I want in order to grasp onto what it is He wants to give me, but I don’t. I struggle. I cling so tightly to my vision of what I feel is best for me, when all the while it’s His plan that is best. He knit me together in my mother’s womb and knows everything about me, but here I am clinching my fists so He can’t take my dreams away. My goodness, if I could only see that it’s not Him wanting to take dreams away, but give me better ones. Give me bigger ones. Give me ones that are full of hopes and promises fulfilled. Hopes and promises beyond my wildest imagination. But I cut it off. I stop it in it’s tracks every time I keep my fingers curled around everything I’m afraid of losing – forgetting that it’s not really mine to begin with. Not if I’ve completely surrendered to Him. But the beauty of God is that though He will not force Himself upon anyone, He will eagerly pursue me and protect me from everything I think I want in order to give me something better. And so while He won’t pry my fingers loose, He will allow things to happen that cause me to release in surrender. Not because He wants to inflict pain, but because He wants to make a way for something better. Surrender equals trust. And I have to remind myself, no matter how painful it is to let go and trust God, it’s only so that He can give me something better in return. So, self that is fighting for what self wants, let go of whatever it is you’re holding onto so your hands can be open to receive all that He has for you.