When you surrender everything you have and everything you are to the Lord, before you know it, everything you have to offer begins to multiply beyond what you can handle.
Maybe that’s when you know you’re on the right path – when everything you’re doing is only happening because God opened the doors and He’s moving through you and the fruit that’s showing up can only be explained by His hand being in it all.
That’s the kind of life I’ve always prayed for. But in a moment of sheer honesty – I woke up at 4:30 this morning and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I was so burdened. My spirit was heavy and I immediately went into a time of prayer. It’s been like that for over a week now. This particular morning, I had to speak to a MOPS group and I knew that it was a mixture of people in many varying phases of their faith. Some non-existent. It was going to be touchy and hard and potentially uncomfortable and I wasn’t completely sure how to approach it and really felt like I had nothing to offer.
And so my prayer time went something like this, “I know You’re calling me to this. I’m thankful that You’ve given me this opportunity. But honestly, I don’t wanna do it. I don’t feel like doing this. I need You to take this.”
Afterwards, as a few ladies were thanking me for sharing, they said with teary eyes, “The Lord has anointed you and given you a gift for speaking.” Please, please hear me out – the only reason I am telling you this is because every single time someone says it, I am humbled. I am immensely thankful. I am moved. And it was moving this time in a new way because I knew it could only be God. It can only ever be Him, but He took over even when I was quite honestly feeling a little bit numb. In some ways, going through the motions. I was expectant because I knew He could do it if He wanted to, but I didn’t have the best attitude about it. The only thing good in me is Jesus. And the only reason I share this with you is because it is hard evidence that God will use you despite yourself. I am so broken and unworthy, but He moved in a mighty way because I took my messed up self and got out of the way.
On my ride back to the office, I was overwhelmed with this thought,
“I have never been in a more victorious season of life and I have never felt more defeated.”
Ministry doesn’t ride on feelings. It just can’t. Any time anything in this life runs on feelings, it never ends well. You burn out faster than a candle on a birthday cake. Not to say we’re disingenuous, but just kind of overwhelmed by it all. Overwhelmed by the great darkness that swallows up what tiny bit of effort we have to offer. It’s like we can give all we have and it barely makes a dent.
This is a piece of why I’ve woken up heavy in the wee hours of the morning praying. And the only answer I have to give is this: Jesus. I am so desperate for more of Him. It’s the only way my life will change and be used to change others. I can’t get enough. And maybe the burden is there because it drives me to Him. It’s the only way I’ll wake up at 2:30, 3:30, 4:30 AM and pray. It shakes me and I can’t shake it. Maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe it’s there so I can wrestle and work through and process everything the Lord is doing within me. Maybe if I didn’t feel heavy, then I should be concerned.
Dear God, may the weight of everything we’re up against propel us to give everything we can, displaying the weight of Your power and glory at work in and through us.